• Anthea Isaac

Next year without him

It was just another day of December until the terror struck my heart and tore me in pieces. One of my most favorite Idol passed away.

The truth was unbearable, Yes! he was an kpop artist.  As kpop  fans we were always the once to be laughed at. we are very few in number who get together knowing our differences. Every individual I know has evolved due to kpop including me but we weren’t really accepted by the society or family for we were extremely extra

December 18 was a day that marked an unforgettable scar in every kpoppers’ heart, It was a day that will never fade from our memories. Everybody in spite of their fandoms started to mourn respectfully while I was here suffering to digest the truth. It was not his death but the way he chose to reach heaven. he gave up on his soul by himself in other words he took his life.

My tears were not ready to fill my eyes, my body was functioning so well, I slept peacefully that night which made me believe that I was strong.

People I knew were dumb struck, nobody wanted to know how I was. I woke up the next day as usual, worked for a meeting I had in college. All my fellow mates were drifting in tears came to me for comfort. I smiled, cheered them up forgetting what was going inside me.

I came back home but I wasn’t feeling the same, my body felt heavy. My mom felt a change and asked me what was wrong. I narrated the eerie story and she froze. She couldn’t take it as well. She looked deep into my eyes and found something that even I couldn’t feel. She caressed my hand showing how sorry she felt for she knows well about her offspring.

I scrolled through my social media randomly when something I spotted ripped my heart “Jonghyun 1990-2017”. I started to suffocate, my heart regretted every beat, my hands all cold. I realized I wasn’t strong and then my tears rushed out with loud screams. There were rage of emotions inside me, my heart was literally eaten up. I wasn’t able believe that Jonghyun isn’t here anymore.

People were praying for him to rest in peace but I was furious that we couldn’t provide him here. The thought that he killed himself to get rid of his depression burnt me to ashes. I felt guilty and blamed myself.

It was too emotional to handle. I was not given the freedom or accepted to mourn for someone I have never met. I was devastated. Now people repressed his death and were happy that he is in peace but I am tormented even now. The five member group SHINee I looked up to is without a soul now.

Going through my recovery process I was able to acknowledge the oneness of humankind. People might find odd to understand foreign language but if we observe deeply we will know that language doesn’t matter.

The monkeys and birds are able to convey the danger of predators to it’s prey, what about us from the same kind with 6th sense.

Of course, God made us speak different languages while building the tower of Babel and we segregated our places. But aren’t we the same ones who spoke the same language before?

we have all evolved but connected deep inside. We all need love forever but we all face the end too. This loss was a lesson in spite of it’s pricking thrones, I tried so hard and finally decided to endure it in.

For all these days I was repeating the phrase ” I am sorry Jonghyun” but now with all courage and strength I would like to say,

” You did well Jonghyun. May your soul rest in peace. We love you”.

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© 2020 by Anthea Isaac.
 

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